Paint it black
by arctic-priince
Summary: In the aftermath of a sexual assault Kurt struggles to recover while coming to terms with the fact that not everyone is equal in the eyes of the law. / Blaine/Asexual!Kurt & Finn/Rachel. Warning: Rape.
1. Chapter 1

Kurt has never been a very sexual person. It's not that he isn't mature enough or anything, at least he's pretty sure that's not it, it's just that sex has never really interested him all that much. When Kurt thinks about boys, he thinks about hugs and big arms and romantic dinners. He thinks about sweet, close-mouthed kisses and stimulating conversations. Sex is never a part of his daydreams. That doesn't change when he starts dating Blaine who is chivalrous and beautiful and everything Kurt's ever wanted in a boyfriend. They go on dates that are stunningly romantic and they cuddle for hours. Kurt would have been completely content keep things at that level of physical intimacy forever, but it also turns out that while Kurt's not really interested in sex; Blaine _really_ is. He's sweet about it, like he is about everything, but he really wants it. And, well, Kurt figures that's normal and it feels good to be wanted so it doesn't take long before they do it. It feels good, kind of, to have Blaine inside him, close to him. It's not really arousing or anything, but it feels good on an emotional level. Like he's giving something to Blaine and that's bringing them even closer together.

Most of the time, his sexuality, or lack there-of, doesn't bother him. He has a healthy sex life, a happy boyfriend and while his orgasms are few and far in-between he's pretty happy about his current situation. He's never really cared for orgasms anyway. But there are times where this particular part of his personality has gotten him into trouble. Really messed things up for him. Because Kurt isn't interested in stuff like that, he tends to have problems figuring out when other people are being sexual, or even worse, when he himself is sending out vibes that imply sexual attraction. Like that entire Finn fiasco. Kurt had been stunned when he realized that Finn honestly believed that Kurt had wanted to share a room with him so he could get Finn naked. And his not-so-subtle accusations of sexual harassment had been even worse. He couldn't for the life of him see where he had sent out those kinds of signals, but it had apparently been obvious to everyone else. Or that other time, when Sam had called him out on being creepy by talking to him while in the shower. That had been beyond awkward and more than a little embarrassing.

In retrospect he's pretty sure he should have seen this coming. That, somehow, this wouldn't have happened had he been able to pick up the sexual vibes from the man that had changed everything. He'd been so stupid. He'd done nothing but fuck up that entire day. It had started in the morning when he'd fought with Blaine over the phone. He can't remember what it was about anymore, though. It seems so insignificant now, sitting on the concrete with only a thin jacket shielding him from the cold. It was probably about something stupid. Probably his fault. Kurt shifts a little and winces at sharp pain radiating throughout his body at the movement. He feels sick. And stupid.

He had gone back to Lima for the weekend. He'd felt more comfortable in his own skin and more confident than ever and it had made him take some chances he wouldn't have before. Chances he would make sure to never take again. He had been stupid. So terribly naïve. His friends from glee club had asked him to meet them at the choir room that day. Apparently they'd been allowed to use it during the weekend and they wanted to spend some time with him like in the old days. After the fight with Blaine Kurt had been happy and in need of a distraction and he'd decided that he wanted to walk there by foot. He hadn't been getting proper exercise since he quit the cheerios and it would be good for him to get some fresh air. He'd assumed it was safe. That Karofsky and the others would be no where near the school on a free day. He'd been se optimistic and distracted and _wrong._ They had been there. And they'd hurt him. And it never would have happened if he hadn't been so god damn _stupid._

They didn't do anything too bad. Nothing they hadn't done before. Just grabbed him, taunted him with slurs and insults. They'd messed up his clothes and roughed him up a bit. It had only lasted about 10 minutes and then they were gone again. He'd been left on the hard concrete of the school parking lot, but he was alive and breathing and not too badly hurt. His hat had been irreversibly damaged and they'd taken his shoes, but other than that it was just a couple of scratches and a bruised ego. Nothing he didn't know how to deal with. He should have been okay. He should have just gone home or to his friends. He should have, but he _didn't_.

Kurt had felt pathetic and small and irrationally upset. He hadn't wanted to face his friends like this, not while he still had tears in his eyes and bruises on his arms and he'd just told them he was doing so well. Didn't want to see anyone, not Blaine or his Dad or Carole. So when an old employee of his father had suddenly appeared and offered him a ride; Kurt had accepted. Jason was nice a nice person, _a good man_, like his father used to say. He'd started working at the garage when Kurt was thirteen to help pay for his mothers hospital bills. He'd been the youngest person working there at the time and Kurt had bonded with him easily over cars and bad school experiences. Kurt had never, _ever_, thought that Jason would be capable of something as cruel as what he did. Forcing someone to do something they didn't want to. Forcing someone to have sex. _Rape_. Jason just wasn't the type of person to do things like that. Rapists were supposed to be ugly and old and creepy. They were supposed to be violent and cruel _monsters_. That what he'd always been taught at school. Rapists didn't work themselves into exhaustion to help their sick mothers. They didn't have two puppies named Jello and Biscuit and silly flower tattoos. They didn't dance around to Spanish folk music or have strange obsessions with cartoons. Rapists weren't supposed to be human. You were supposed to be able to tell them apart from others and know who they were so you could avoid them. And that's where his uncertainty kicks in. What if it had been obvious? Maybe Jason had been sexual and creepy this entire time and Kurt just hadn't been able to pick up on it. Maybe everyone else had seen it and had been laughing at him this entire time, thinking he deserved it. Maybe he did.

He can still remember it vividly, those hours. They'd talked and Jason had suggested they go to his place. It wasn't far and it had been long time since they'd seen each other. Kurt had agreed. _Stupid._ It had been nice at first. They had drunk some beer and talked, not enough to get wasted or anything, just pleasantly buzzed. And then the atmosphere had gradually started changing. Jason had put a hand on Kurt's thigh to emphasize something he said and never removed it. Kurt had felt uncomfortable, but hadn't commented on it. Then he'd placed the other hand on Kurt's chest and everything had gone downhill from there. He can still hear his own voice as Jason pushes him onto the couch. His own voice saying _no, I don't want this_. Then Jason's lips had been on his, warm and wet and Kurt had felt awkward and a little scared. He remembers protesting once more and being held down forcibly, the sound of a zipper being undone remarkably loud in the empty apartment.

_'You came here for this, right?'_

He hadn't. He hadn't come there for sex. And that's what he says to Jason, trying to free his hands from the older mans grip.

_'Liar. There's no other reason for you to come home with me, to flirt with me like that.'_

He hadn't flirted. _Had he?_ The thought that he'd brought this upon himself was suffocating. He felt sick. And then his pants were being ripped off and he couldn't think of anything else. He had felt limp and unresponsive, unable to really fight back even as Jason's fingers were pushing up and _in_, slick with lube. It felt disgusting. It wasn't until Jason was lifting his thighs and he felt something much bigger push at his entrance that he'd been able to say something again. To protest. It hadn't worked.

_'Please stop. It hurts. I have a boyfriend._

It hurts…'

And it _had_ hurt. Not excruciatingly, but badly enough that he was having problems forming full sentences of any kind. Being with Blaine had never felt like that. He may not like sex much, but with Blaine he'd felt safe and happy, if a little bored at times. With Jason he felt scared and cowardly and disgusting.

It had ended pretty quickly after that. Jason had finished and pulled out, leaving Kurt lying on the couch feeling cold and used and empty. He remembers getting up and dressing, remembers Jason's eyes on him as he pulls up his jeans. And he remembers Jason's last words.

_'You're kind of a lousy lay, you know. Just lying there like that.'_

He can't remember leaving the apartment, though, or walking to where he is now, sitting on the cold ground about 4 blocks away from Jason's house. He isn't sure how long he's sat there either, but if the darkening sky is any indication; it's been a while. He feels lost and incredibly uncertain when he finally pulls out his phone. He has over 14 missed calls; all from his New Direction friends. It feels like centuries ago that he'd been cornered by Karofsky and his gang in the McKinley parking lot. Like it had all happened in another life. The life before Jason. He sits there for a good minute just staring blankly at the screen in front of him. He dimly registers that he needs to get to a doctor. He isn't bleeding or anything (And that's another thing that's different from everything he's ever learned about rape), but Jason hadn't used a condom and he needs to get checked out. He needs to tell someone. So he does the only thing he can think of; he calls Blaine. Blaine is safe and strong. He'll know what to do. Blaine will make things okay again, he'll fix this. He always does. Courage.


	2. Chapter 2

His hands are shaking as he finds Blaine's name on the long list of contacts and, after a moment of hesitation, takes a deep breath as he presses the call button. The phone rings once, twice and then Blaine is picking up, his voice cold and angry.

"Yes, Kurt? Something you need?"

That's right. They'd fought. He'd almost forgotten about that completely. It takes him a while to answer. His mind feels slow and sluggish and his words are stuck in his throat.

"I…" Kurt can hear Blaine sighing impatiently and briefly worries that the other boy will hang up on him. He doesn't and Kurt breathes out in relief. Of course he wouldn't. It's Blaine. Perfect, _polite_ Blaine.

"I-Im sorry. About before." He can't remember what happened, but he's certain now that it was his fault. Must have been. It's always his fault. Blaine stays silent.

"I really am sorry, but I r-really need you to come pick me up. I'm sorry." His voice is shaking and he winces at how pathetic he sounds. How helpless. Blaine must think he's such a crybaby; completely unable to take care of himself. And yet, Kurt really needs the other boy right now. He feels detached from reality, like a backseat rider in his own body and Blaine is the only one that can make things normal again. He just knows it.

"Kurt? Are you all right? Where are you?" Blaine still sounds a bit angry, but a hint of worry has wormed its way into his voice. Kurt takes that as a good sign.

"I'm in Lima. And I'm not sure." Kurt answers honestly. He's not sure how he feels and it's hard to concentrate properly. He feels like everything else is moving at normal speed while he's stuck at slow motion. Like he can't keep up at all. He doesn't like it.

"Are you hurt? Wait- You're in Lima? Why can't you go home? Something happen with your dad?" The anger from earlier is completely gone now, replaced by that calm, confident, I-can-fix-everything tone. Kurt almost smiles. Almost.

"I don't know how to get home from here. I've never been here before. Can you come get me? Please. I need to go to the hospital." Kurt answers, feeling frustrated by his own simple, almost childish sentences.

"Hospital?" Blaine sounds alarmed, his voice rising in distress. "Damn it! It was Karofsky wasn't it!" He can hear Blaine fumbling with his keys, clearly trying to talk and get ready at the same time.

"Partly. I'll tell you when you get here, okay?" He quickly gives Blaine the street address he sees on the building closest to him and listens as Blaine sets the destination on his Gps.

"Okay. You're not too badly hurt, are you? You don't need an ambulance or anything?" Kurt replies in negatives and a quick _please hurry_. His fingers feel like ice around the phone, the device suddenly unbearably heavy in his hand.

"Good. Have you called your dad?" Kurt almost doesn't hear his boyfriend over the roar of a motor coming to life.

"No. I can't talk to him. Just come. Please." Kurt knows he sounds desperate, but he can't bring himself to care. He just wants his boyfriend to hold him. He wants Blaine. The other boy sighs heavily before answering and Kurt feels bad for stressing out the other boy. He's always such a burden.

"All right. I'm over at May's house, luckily. I'll be there in ten, fifteen minutes tops. Just stay put, okay? And call if something changes!" Kurt quickly agrees before letting the phone slip out of his hand onto the concrete. Fifteen minutes. He can do that. He's been ridiculously lucky that Blaine has chosen today to spend time with his sister or the wait would have been considerable longer.

After only about five minutes of waiting Kurt starts to feel increasingly anxious and tired at the same time. Like he wants to lie down and sleep for days and stand up and pace at the same time. It's an unpleasant feeling. What is he supposed to tell Blaine? That he got raped? That somehow sounds too harsh, so much worse than what had happened. It's not like he'd been beaten up and left for dead, hell, he wasn't even bleeding. Come to think of it he hadn't even been threatened. Not really. Surely calling it rape wouldn't be right. It would be disrespectful towards victims of real rape.

(A small part of him, a part that sounds a lot like Quinn, is chanting "_all_ rape is real rape" on silent repeat in his head. He ignores it.)

Jason hadn't been _that_ strong. If Kurt had really fought back, if he'd bit and screamed and kicked he probably would have gotten free. Looking back it seems almost silly. Sure, he'd _said_ no. He had made it clear he didn't want it, but he'd mostly just lain there. Why hadn't he done more? A part of him wonders about it, but the other part knows the answer already. He'd been scared, _terrified_ even, and non-reaction had felt like the best way to go. In that moment Jason had had the same look that Kurt has seen a thousand times before. It's the same face Karofsky has every time he backs Kurt into a corner _just_ to scare him, or Pucks face before he throws him in the dumpster. It's the face of someone who is getting drunk on power and Kurt is used to having it directed at him.

And even though Jason's actions had been so much worse than a swirlie or a dumpster toss could ever dream to be, the general feeling had been the same. It hadn't felt sexual at all; it had felt violent and _predatory_ and that's why he hadn't fought back more. It was simply his instincts kicking in. The same instincts that made him stay silent day after day as he was lifted and thrown into the dumpster like yesterday's garbage. Those kinds of people get off on fear, _his_ fear, and that is something he'd learnt early on. The more he kicked and cried, the further they'd take it, the more they'd _hurt_. Jason was just like them; his eyes had seemed more and more aroused with every 'stop' and Kurt just couldn't do it. He'd just wanted it to be over. It was cowardly, maybe, but it had felt like the right thing to do at the time.

Kurt is dragged out of his thoughts by the sound of a motor coming closer and he feels ridiculously relieved and scared at the same time as he sees Blaine's car rounding the corner. He picks up his phone and stands up as the black vehicle comes to a halt in front of him. Then Blaine is hopping out of the car and running up to him, his hair unstyled and curly, and Kurt almost starts crying then and there. Blaine is speaking, saying something, but Kurt can't register _what_ and it isn't until he's surrounded by strong arms, a shorter body pressed to his, that he's able to function normally again. Blaine cups his face in his hands and look at him closely.

"Hey." He says when Kurt raises his head and their eyes meet.

"Kurt, what happened? Where are you hurt?" Kurt takes a deep breath and desperately tries to gather his quickly razing thoughts. He starts with the easy part; he tells Blaine about meeting Karofsky and how they'd roughed him up. Draws it out so he doesn't have to talk about what happened with _Jason_. It doesn't take long for Blaine to figure out he's stalling, however, and Kurt is running out of things to say.

"I'm sorry Karofsky did that to you and god knows I want to beat the shit out of him for hurting you, but… There's something else isn't there? What happened Kurt?" Kurt avoids Blaine's eyes and licks his lips. Blaine's hands are steady and warm around him and Kurt finds he really wants Blaine to _know_. He just doesn't know how to _tell_ him.

"Jason came. He offered me a ride. I said yes." Kurt silently hates his voice for shaking. He hates that he can't seem to even talk properly anymore.

"Who's Jason?" Blaine asks, a confused look on his face.

"Jason used to work at the garage. He's 27. He took me to his place and we had some beer and…" Blaine is looking at him again. Those piercing eyes boring into him like they can see every secret he's ever tried to hide.

"And?" Blaine prompts gently.

"And he started touching my leg and then he was kissing me and-and I didn't know what to do, Blaine! I'm sorry, I-" Blaine's eyes, that had previously been filled with concern, turns colder and Kurt almost follows when Blaine draws away from him.

"… You had sex with him? God, Kurt!" Blaine sounds unbelievable hurt and his eyes are narrowing in that way they do whenever he's upset about something but doesn't want to show it. "I can't believe this! Did something sexual happen, beyond kissing? Please just tell me, I need to know!" Kurt briefly wonders how it turned out like this.

"I-I yes, but not like that. I mean, I didn't want it. Not really. I-" Blaine interrupts him with a small barking laugh.

"What, and that makes it okay? Just because you have that whole asexual thing going on doesn't mean you can just sleep with whomever. It may not matter to you, but sex is a big deal for other people, okay? It's a big deal for _me_." Kurt can feel his heart beating frantically in his chest. He feels sick and lightheaded and he has no idea what to do. Movies and school and after-school-specials don't teach you how to deal with this and Kurt is at a loss. This is all wrong. In the end he says the only thing that comes to mind. One last attempt to be understood.

"I'm sorry. I said no. I told him to stop and that I didn't want it, but he was so strong and I got _scared_. He was holding me down and I just froze. I'm sorry. I should have done more. I'm _sorry_." He looks desperately at Blaine hoping for forgiveness, compassion, _something_ other than anger. His wish is granted as Blaine's expression morphs into something resembling horror, quickly followed by guilt.

"You said no." Blaine whispers to himself before looking up at Kurt again.

"Oh my God. Kurt, I'm so sorry! I thought- No that's no excuse. I shouldn't have assumed- Oh God." Kurt has never seen Blaine look this upset before and he doesn't know how to feel about it. He wants his old Blaine back; the calm and strong one. He needs that Blaine.

"No, it's okay. You're right. I mean, it's not like he had a gun or anything." He tries to reassure Blaine, grabbing the shorter boy's hand and forcing their eyes to meet. As far as calming Blaine down goes, it doesn't work too well, but it _does_ seem to bring out his more protective side again.

"No, NO! Jesus, Kurt, it's not your fault! Please don't say things like that. There's only one person at fault here and that is that Jason guy, okay? I'm so sorry this happened to you, baby." Kurt closes his eyes as Blaine once again embraces him, burrowing his face in his boyfriend's curls. It smells like shampoo and home. After what feels like hours, Kurt reluctantly pulls away and breathes in heavily. When he looks at the other boy again Blaine's eyes are red-rimmed and he looks so much younger than Kurt can ever remember seeing him. It's weird.

"I need to go to the hospital. I-I mean, I'm not really _hurt_ or anything, but he didn't use a condom so…" Blaine closes his eyes for a second, his expression twisted in sadness, and nods as he gently takes hold of Kurt's hand leading him over to the car.


	3. Chapter 3

The ride to the hospital is long and awkward. ("Do you want to talk about it?" "Not really." "Okay.") Kurt keeps shifting in his seat, trying to ignore the sting in his backside and the reason why it's there in the first place. He feels surprisingly calm. Like nothing really matters anymore; watching the world fly by through the window of the car. Blaine on the other hand doesn't seem very calm at all. He keeps looking over at Kurt and opening his mouth like he has something he wants to get out, before closing it again. Kurt wishes he would say something. He's not used to being quiet with Blaine. Not like this, anyway. But it's not until the car is slowing to a stop on the parking lot in front of Lima Memorial Hospital that Blaine finally speaks, his voice surprisingly high.

"So we're here." Kurt thinks Blaine sounds young again, uncertain. He doesn't like it.

"Kurt, You, uhm, you need to tell your dad." Kurt looks over at his boyfriend at that, not fully comprehending what the other boy is suggesting. Surely Blaine understands that he can't tell his dad about something like this. Surely.

"No, it's okay. He doesn't need to know. I'm just getting an STD-test. It's okay." He feels like an idiot repeating himself like this. He feels clumsy and childish and he once again wishes for his usual eloquence back. At least he's not the only one that's regressed to mediocre grammar, though. Blaine seems to be having some trouble as well. It's a small comfort. He supposes it gets the message across anyhow. Blaine sighs.

"Kurt. You _know_ this guy. You have to press charges, I mean, what if he comes after you again?" Kurt just looks at the other boy, feeling vaguely annoyed that Blaine doesn't seem to be getting it. He can't talk to his dad about this. He _can't_.

"It's okay." He repeats, "I can handle it."

That was the wrong thing to say. He can tell the moment it's out of his mouth by the way Blaine shifts his body and his eyes grow darker. The older boy's hands are bunching into tight fists, his breath quick and heavy.

"But _I_ can't." He finally says, his voice angry and upset and something Kurt can't quite pick out. He's clearly holding himself back, barely restraining himself from screaming. Kurt feels sick. He can feel his heart thumping in his chest again and moves farther away from Blaine. As much as he can in the cramped space of the car.

"I can't deal with this alone. Not _again_." It takes him a moment to understand what Blaine is talking about, his brain not working quite the way it's supposed to, but when he does he feels cold all over. Blaine has mentioned his sister being hurt before. Several times. She had been assaulted, _robbed_, just fifty meters from Blaine's house and Blaine had been the one to find her and take her to the hospital. Kurt can vaguely remember Blaine telling him what an impact it had had on him. How it made tell someone about the bullying for the first time because the thought of someone keeping something like that from _him_ would have been unbearable and he couldn't do that to his family. That Blaine had understood, then, that telling your loved ones when something was wrong was the best thing for everyone involved. Kurt can't believe he forgot. (Stupid. Always so stupid.) Blaine had been the last person he should have called.

"Please, Kurt. _Please_. And if not your dad, then my parents or a teacher, just someone adult. Someone who knows what to do and- " Blaine's mouth keeps moving, he's talking still, but all Kurt can hear is a loud buzzing sound in his ears. Like a thousand bees, or maybe even voices, screaming hoarsely from everywhere around him. He can't set words on what it feels like, _sounds_ like, at all. Kurt has never felt like this before, except for a few moments during his time with Jason and maybe while leaving the apartment, but he can't remember that all. Those minutes (hours?) is only a big, black hole where his memory should be. His eyes are clouding over, making everything seem unreal and faraway. Like there is a veil surrounding him completely, making everything look blurry and faded and blindingly bright all at the same time. His body is numb, and the pain is only a faint memory by now. The only thing that seems even remotely real is the taste of beer in his mouth, hot and burning and disgusting. He's not sure what happens after that, there's only snapshots of feelings and sounds, like he's watching a movie that keeps stopping halfway. 

Blaine's worried expression. Getting out of the car. A white dressed person. More white. A hand resting gently on his back. Fingers, touching. 

And that's what it takes for him to wake up. The world feels like it's tilting dangerously and it's as if something is grabbing hold of him, his consciousness, and dragging him forcibly back to reality. Suddenly everything is happening in startling clarity and it's incredibly overwhelming. The lights are too bright, the colors _too_ shocking. Every sound is magnified. He feels hyperaware of his own body again, the pain, and the reason he woke up in the first place; the cool touch of hands on his face. He startles back, away from the invading fingers and breathes heavily as he tries to take in what's happening through a thick haze of disorientation.

He is sitting at the edge of a crispy white bed and Blaine is standing next to him, wringing his hands nervously. He looks scared. In front of him is a doctor in her early forties, her face that of a woman who knows exactly what she's doing; carefully schooled and efficient. She moves closer to him, suddenly, and waves a hand in front of his eyes. Kurt automatically flinches back and the woman smiles at him for the first time.

"Hello, Kurt. Welcome back." Kurt doesn't know what to say to that. Doesn't know how to feel about the fact that he was 'gone' in the first place. He stays quiet for a second before he manages a tentative 'Hi' and turns to look at Blaine again. His boyfriend's previous expression of fear seems to morph into relief at the simple one-syllable word. Kurt smiles at him, just a little, and Blaine smiles back. He still looks immensely worried, though, and Kurt wonders just how long he was gone.

"So, Kurt. My name's Katrina. I'm a doctor, though you might be able to see that for yourself. You're at Lima Memorial hospital, do you remember?" Her voice is sympathetic and comforting without being condescending. Kurt nods.

"Great. Your boyfriend here told me something awful happened to you. Do you remember that as well?" He isn't sure what she's referring to; if it's the thing with Jason or telling Blaine. The answer is the same either way and he nods again.

"Okay. Well, we're going to have to do some tests. Your boyfriend said you wanted to be tested for STD's so we're going to draw some blood. We're also hoping you'll be willing to go trough a rape kit. I understand the thought of having someone touching you is the last thing you want right now, but it's important that we see what damage has been done and if we can gather some evidence incase you're going to press charges." Kurt opens his mouth to protest, because there is just _no way_ that is ever going to happen. No way. Katrina speaks again before he has a chance to say anything and he reluctantly stays quiet.

"Even if you don't feel like you want to right now, there is a very real chance that your feelings on the subject may change with time. I highly suggest you go through with it, Kurt."

Kurt feels indefinitely tired all of a sudden. He feels tired and disoriented and _alone_, despite Blaine's hand resting on the white sheet beside him. He doesn't have the energy to fight with them, any of them (he's sure Blaine's got something to say about it as well) so he just nods his head. Whatever this test is, it's got to be better than fighting. It's got to be easier that trying to explain things to someone who could never possibly understand what he's going through. It's got to be.


End file.
